Thursday, February 10, 2011

THE PURINA DIET

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Mximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of everyhole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again..(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL_MART won't let me shop there anymore.

3 comments:

Haley said...

That's about the weirdest thing I've ever read....

Emily said...

Better

Matt said...

Agree. Better. But I always prefer Steven Wright or Jack Handey. They actually put some thought into their jokes.

Some great imagery in this though!
"I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of everyhole in my body and IVs in both arms."

Awesome! Sounds like a violent Pixies song!